One of the first sentences that tied my fiance and I together – our intense hatred of onions. Just one of an endless number of things that brought us closer than I had ever been to any other human being. Wolf knew me inside and out – to use a cliche – better than I knew myself. In this case, that cliche was true. He knew everything I hid, every emotion that went through me, every thing I wanted and most of all everything I needed. In reality, HE was all I needed. Today marks 4 years since we said our private vows in a hotel room on our “honeymoon.” Today also marks 6 months since he passed away.
After he passed, everything was a whirlwind. Days went by in a blur, I had arrangements to make, bills to pay, a job to get back to and our pets to take care of. During this entire time, I knew I hadn’t grieved fully. Had mini-meltdowns that I choked back for the most part, and nights where I would wake up sobbing, yes, but I didn’t have time to grieve completely. Truthfully, I chose not to have that time. That would be facing the single most devastating moment in my life, and I was too scared to do that. I was too scared to be on my own.
Many thoughts have gone through my head since he passed, and one of those was that maybe, just maybe, when I did have the time to grieve, things would be — not better, there is no better in this situation — but possibly easier. I was 100% WRONG. Now that I have given myself the time to grieve, I find that is all I do. I barely sleep, even when I am exhausted. When I do sleep, I wake up crying which wakes up Francis (our dog) which leads to him being incredibly concerned, and ultimately having to go potty, during which time I wake up fully and then once Francis is finished outside, I go back to bed, and lay there, unable to sleep yet again.
There is no remedy I have found to fix this. I have tried physical exercise to the point of falling asleep on my feet, extremely unhealthy amounts of alcohol, sleeping pills, tea, you name it. I can drink several bottles of wine and be swaying back and forth on my way to a cold bed but the moment I lay down, my brain is active with thoughts of him. They say time heals all wounds…. I am waiting.
Part of what keeps me up at night is simple guilt. Guilt that I couldn’t save him when he needed me. Each night in the hospital, after everyone would leave, he and I would be alone. Despite his brave words and attitude, I saw the fear in his eyes. He pushed that fear away and gave everything he could in his last days, and I could do nothing but sit there and watch. I sat with him as they changed his wounds and explained what I saw to him because he couldn’t, and each time I sat there, every 8 hours, I would look at the flesh and bone that was showing and have to keep my voice steady and tears at bay because I knew he would try to make me feel better because that is just how he was. He was always my savior, and in a time of actual life or death, I failed him, and that is one of the things that plagues my nights.
Hospitals are my weakness. I lose my mind in them. I tried my best to keep it together for him, the most important person to me, the very definition of my being, my complete soulmate. And I did. No one saw tears, or anything other than a person who they thought was basically cold. And that’s fine. I was there for Wolf, and nothing else. He was my entire existence, which is what makes every day so damn hard.
I know that the rule of being a strong, independent woman is to never let a man define you. The thing is, I didn’t know who I was before Wolf. I knew what everyone expected me to be, and that’s who I was. Wolf saw beyond all that and saved me. With him, I knew who I was, and where I was going. I don’t know any of that anymore. I’ve tried to see my life without him, and I can’t see it. It’s just blank…. and I am not sure what to do about that.
I visited him today at the cemetery. Once again, I put flowers in the shape of a crescent moon, our symbol. It was pouring down rain, an unusual thing in Phoenix. It rained the day he passed too. I sat in the rain for a very long time, talking to him, crying, and arranging the flowers in the moon shape over and over. I kept coming up with reasons to stay there, walking to the car and then back. I ended up leaving because I knew the roads were not going to be getting any better and he would want me to be safe. I wished him a happy anniversary and then thought how stupid that sounded.
I have never wished so hard to turn back time as I did today. I wished in the hospital every day but today I wished so hard my head hurt and my stomach turned. To turn back to the time when he could have been helped and taken him to the hospital whether he liked it or not. Sure, that may have caused a fight at the time, but he would still be here, he would be my husband, alive, making art, writing, and singing and not only an image in pictures, videos and my dreams.
I miss you Wolf. You always have been and will always be my everything. N.E.M. forever. I love you.